Friday, 3 February 2012

Useless Tips For Anglers

From the pages of The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok — edited by Eric Idle, published in 1973 — comes an invaluable 10-point list that never fails to amuse me. It's titled, "Useless Tips For Anglers."


(Source: The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok.)

Useless Tips For Anglers

1. Be sure the carburettor and spark-plugs are cleaned before reassembly.
2. Make sure that the shelf is at right-angles to the fixing-joint (use Rawlplug 'cavity fixing screws')
3. Always check the bill for service charge.
4. Rods should be about 3 feet long and 6 inches thick, and covered with industrial plasti-laminate (Brit. Standard BS 635429) 1/3-1/2 inch thick including sound-proofing.
5. Pike can pass on whooping-cough if you let them breathe over you.
6. Carp, bream and guppies usually know a lot of useful phone-numbers, so make sure you extract the maximum information from them before you bang their heads on the stone.
7. Never believe trout.
8. For landing salmon, a little lipstick and a new hairdo will increase the average angler's chances no end.
9. Angling does not make you blind.
10. Taking your boots off when you fish does not encourage the growth of testicles.*

*The only sure-fire way of increasing the size of your testicles is to fill in the form below:
Initial Offer

I wish to buy £_____ worth (min. investment £500) of Slater-Nazi Testicular Growth Bonds.

I am over 21 and understand I may never see my money again.

Signed: Mr/Mrs__________ Address_______________